Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 805/02/07 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
The doctor is back, and ready to answer you queeries. Uh, your queries. Questions. Yeah. I always like to start with a softball question, so let's get this show on the road!
Why does all cologne smell distinctly like over-ripe ass?
- Paul
Where do you think it comes from? You just answered your own question there, kiddo.
Dear Doctor,
Why are life insurance, property and casualty insurance, and worker's compensation so unbelievably sexy and irresistible?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Everyone knows that insurance is sexy. I mean what can you think of that's sexier than protecting yourself from risk?
Let's put it this way. Say you're about to offer a fine looking lady a drink. What do you get her?
A) Cosmopolitan
B) Miller Lite
C) Scotch
D) A Gatorade and a napkin with a contract stating that by drinking the following Gatorade, the fine looking lady agrees to copious amounts of sweaty, freaky, ass-thwompingly hardcore sex, and that said contract provides ample monetary coverage should injury occur during the flagrantly unnecessary amounts of wildly awesome fornication that you will be having with said fine looking lady tonight.
I mean, obviously choice D. Nothing gets them all hot and bothered like the idea of being able to do crazy shit without all the worries of what happens if the crazy shit gets too crazy. Insurance is basically a license to do stupidly insane stuff that you wouldn't normally do otherwise, and stupid insane stuff is sexy. Therefore, insurance is sexy. Right? Right.
P.S. - Feel free to use my plan D as stated above, but make sure to take a video and send it in to the Doctor's mailbox. I also do sexual position appraisal, in my spare time of course.
How much would i have to pay you, exactly, to get you to marry me?
- Mike Shin
Pay me? I don't want your money, just your passion and devotion.
However, my family would like your money. Your dowry should be in excess $100k, and also include a luxury car, and season tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles.
How does gunk get under our fingernails?
- Paul
There's an old wives tale that the gunk under our fingers is actually dead skin cells that we scratch off ourselves. But that's a simplistic, and thus foolish theory.
It's also been suggested that gunk forms when we need to cut our nails. The gunk acts as our body's very own early-warning system for nail length, that you should heed unless you want to be more susceptible to broken nails.
But the real answer is that it forms when the gunk has no other place to grow. That is to say, when you're ears are full of wax, and your teeth full of plaque, and your nose full of snot, and you belly button full of lint, and your nether-regions full of smegma, there's no other place for nasty filth left to hide except under your finger nails.
I find the best way to remove the gunk under your fingers is by showering
and using soap at the same time. There's a freebie hygiene protip for ya.
Why do I always feel cold?
- Dianna
I'm going to guess it's because you're cold-blooded, like a reptile or amphibian. A long term solution would be to move to a warmer climate. I hear Southern California is nice, and has plenty of high-tech industry as well. However, in a pinch, you can always sun yourself on a rock, like any self-respecting lizard-creature as yourself would do.
Okay then, great stuff you guys! That's a wrap for now. Keep sending your inquiries, no matter how odd or personal they may be. I'm like a warm hand to the upper scrotum, just turn your head and cough up some questions!
As always, send questions to doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com.
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 711/27/06 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
Greetings! It is I, Dr. Celestino, back from a long hiatus, to discuss a simple question which lead to surprising answers as well as other factoids that could improve anyone's day! So have a good read, keep banging out those questions, and I shall return to my urological self-research until the next one comes, uh, so to speak.
Why are people compelled to have sex in their offices and not shut the blinds?
-Talha
Having sex in the office is not only great for your sex life, but its added benefits to the rest of your life are astounding!
Really!
Making whoopee in general is healthy exercise, but doing in front of a window where everyone can see you is pretty much a win-win situation for everyone involved.
Let's start with the participants of the monster-two-backs sexcapade showcase. The value added from doing it at work instead of in the comfort of their own home is substantial. Combining work and play improves worker morale, creates strong bonds between co-workers, and allows for a brief recess from the stresses of the office. Plus, the health benefits include general exercise from the act of copulating, and improve blood flow from the excitement of doing the nasty in plain view of the public.
Secondary awesomeness effects also occur when office sex is in plain view. Any viewers of the office space shenanigans are getting a free show, whereas a trip to the local stripper bar will cost you at least $30, in singles of course. And have no fear of having to bust out the eye-bleach. People who have sex in front of windows are typically good-looking show-offs, and rightfully so. There's a 0.003% chance of the fornicators being ugly, since a) ugly people don't get banged as often as good-looking people, b) ugly people tend to have tremendous amounts of shame when naked, and c) ugly people tend to not get offices with windows, so that people don't get the wrong impression that a company is run by a bunch of uggos.
A pensive critique of the two or more lovers could be educational as well. Since the maters tend to be good-looking show-offs, this also means that they tend to have sex more often, and oddly enough, the sexual-education hungry out there can reap the rewards of good observation. Office window rendezvouses can be more fascinating than the Kama Sutra! If you have ever tried to have sex in an office, windows open or not, you would know that there are a variety of obstacles in the way, making the Catholicism-approved yet yawn-inducing missionary position nearly impossible. The combination of at least two horny people and an office desk can provide for more interesting positions than even the best sex-swing could offer! Be on the look out for intricate positions you could then utilize in your future sexual conquests.
Oh, and lastly, but most importantly, if you are lucky enough to record the lewd act with a video camera of some sort, you have the starting point for a plethora of business and personal ventures. Some of the amazing things that a video of office sex can be used for include: masturbatory purposes, blackmail, internet pornography for profit, or YouTube hilarity and embarrassment of the partakers of the public "doing".
So, the reasons people do have office sex are simple: they are horny, and love to fark, and want people to watch. However, do not look down upon this act. While the people humping may be in it for themselves, they are inadvertently improving the lives of everyone who witnesses them in the midst of their sexual activities.
As always, send questions to doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com.
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 605/21/06 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
May 21, 2006 - The doctor returns! It's been a long while since my last post, but that's because I've been filling my head with even more knowledge, as if that were even possible! Yes, I'm back with a whole new batch of questions, and even better batch of answers! But of course, I need even more questions to answer, so that I'll have something to research this summer. So keep posting questions! The more questions, the more updates I can bring you, so fire away! Too many exclamation points, on with the doctoring!
As always, send questions to doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com.
Why did all the dinosaurs die?
- Rick
Because you masturbate.
Well, no, not really; that's why kittens die. The dinosaurs died because they evolved to be enormously fat. They got so fat, that their genitals could not access the genitals of another dinosaur because of all the layers of lard in the way. They could not breed, so they became extinct.
Let that be a warning to all you out there: being fat means you won't be able to find your junk anymore and you'll die lonely and extinct. So lose some weight!
Why does an entry level job require experience, and how are you supposed to get that experience?
- Rick
Ah, yes, the dreaded catch-22 that faces all college grads. Companies want to hire people with experience, but the brand new entrants into the labor force can't get the experience. Or hired. Or... whatever.
The trick to overcoming this seemingly unovercomable hurdle is, like lots of things in life, simple yet degrading: Become a slut. That's right; the path to success is paved with the ejaculatory emissions of your higher ups. That's right, sexual favors are the things careers are made of. But how can I apply this to my situation of newly graduated BS wielder?
I've devised a simple mnemonic to help: SLUT. Sexy Lips, Use Tongue. That is to say, make sure your lips are looking their best and convey the message of "Don't you want me to give you head?", and then use tongue movements which will aid in the mental representation of head being given. Sounds confusing and difficult, but these examples should help.
Let's take the interview, for example. Normally it goes something like this:
Interviewer: Now, despite your lack of experience, do you have any tangible skills?
You: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done!
Interviewer: Well that's swell. But our company is headed in a different direction than your skills, or lack of skills, can be useful for.
Now, let's try the SLUT technique. Say the italicized words with sexy emphasis.
Interviewer: Now, despite your lack of experience, do you have any tangible skills?
You: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done. (Now lick you lips seductively).
Interviewer: (Adjusts tie and clears throat) Well that's swell, but our company, and specifically I, need you to demonstrate some of this gung-ho attitude of yours, if you catch my drift.
(Insert porn here)
So there you have it, a simple yet effective way to get your foot in the door.
Now these techniques are best suited for females with male interviewers, but trust me, it will work for men even on male interviewers! How do you think I convinced Will to let me have this gig?
Will: Do you have any experience that makes you qualified to be the doctor of Will and Beyond?
Dr. C: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done. (Now I lick my lips seductively).
Will: (Adjusts tie and clears throat) Well that was gay. Eh, whatever, you're hired, now stop batting your devilishly enticing eyelashes at me.
What does the Easter bunny have to do with Easter?
- Jialu
Being raised a Catholic; I know exactly the origins of the Easter Bunny. Now, the story I'm about to tell is almost as jarring to the Christian faith as that Da Vinci Code thing, so be prepared to be at least moderately shocked.
At the very first mass, Holy Thursday, Jesus broke bread with his apostles and said that the bread was his body and the wine was his blood. The apostles afterwards got really confused, and thought that Jesus meant that after his death, his actual body and blood were to be offered during mass. Gross, eh? So, the Sunday after Jesus was buried, the apostles went to the grave and took out Jesus' body. They preserved him well, and used his actual body and blood during masses. However, the apostles soon realized that they would be running out of Jesus if they kept this up.
Ingeniously, they devised a way to have Jesus’ body and blood live on forever. They fed a newborn bunny some of Jesus’ body and blood until it reached maturity, and then had that rabbit breed, producing many offspring, all of whom the apostles presumed had a little bit of Jesus in them, since they assumed that some of what the mother ate must have passed on to the offspring. So now, there are a bunch of Jesus bunnies running around, and every time they breed, you get more Jesus bunnies, and thus more Jesus blood and body to offer at mass! So instead of eating Jesus directly, masses would have Jesus bunnies' body and blood instead. This practice continued for hundreds and hundreds of years. Then Pope Joey I in 1604 declared that there is probably so little of Jesus left in the bunnies, that instead, they should just say that priests have the power to make regular bread and wine into Jesus' body and blood.
However, some churches felt that this was blasphemy, and started their own version of Christianity where bunnies were revered as holy as Jesus himself. They would continue to eat Jesus bunnies for mass, and they changed their Easter story so that Jesus was not resurrected and ascended into heaven, but instead reincarnated as a bunny: The Easter Bunny.
The leaders of this offshoot church were very wealthy, and would be the ancestors to the owners of the original malls. Thus, as homage to the founders of this bunny-centric Christianity, every Easter week, the Easter Bunny would come to the mall and let you take a picture with him.
So there you have it. Easter Bunny = Jesus. Weird, huh? You know those Christians... they crazy.
Why does facial hair grow so much more while you sleep?
- Will
Ah, this is an easy one. For those of you who aren't the proud owner of your very own penis, you may not know that the male penis gets erect several times during a normal sleep period. Look up 'erection' on Wikipedia for more details and pics of peenies too, if you're into that (then, in the name of fairness, look up 'vagina' on Wikipedia, for some hot vag pics).
What the hell does getting an erection while asleep have to do with facial hair growth? Well you see, a man only has so much skin. And if this man gets an erection, his penis grows bigger. When something on your body grows bigger, like say a penis, but the amount of skin you have stays the same, it must be true that your skin is under greater stress. This greater total stress on the skin causes stretching of the skin. This stretching pulls on the pores in your skin, which causes the hair follicles to be opened up by the stretched dermis, and thus allowing the hair to grow with less impedance by the usually cramped and tight pore walls.
To sum it all up, your facial hair grows more when you sleep because you dream about naked women all the time.
As a bonus, I'll let you in on another related yet little known fact. Ever wonder why Asians have less facial hair? Put bluntly, it's because they have smaller penises. Thus, when they achieve erections during the night, their tiny penises can only pull on the skin about 3 inches worth on average. Compare this to the average of 6 inches in caucasians, or the whopping 10 inches of black men (hyper extra bonus fact: or compare it to the 2 inches of black women's clitoris'! So now you know why those old black ladies have those nasty 'staches!). So let it be known, it's not the size of the shoe that matters, but actually the size of the 5 o'clock shadow they grow!
Super hyper extra bonus fact: Unlike other Asians, Filipinos grow facial hair just as fast as the whites do. So... well, you know what I'm getting at. Ladies, try to keep that in mind next time you're faced with the dilemma of having to choose a breed of Asian man to sleep with.
Ultra super hyper extra bonus fact: Dr. Celestino is Filipino... if you know what I'm getting at.
Well, that's all I got for now. Keep the questions coming!
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 512/15/05 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
December 15, 2005 - Hey everybody! Doc C is in the hizzee! For those who don't know, I'm the fastest urologist in all of the US! Yeah, that's right, I try to do everything ASA"Pee". Get it? It's a joke. ... ahem. Anyhoo, you all know the drill, jerk out some questions, and I'll erect a new column faster than you can say seminal vesicle. Well, it's time to stop dicking around, so let me just turn my head and cough up some answers!
Dr. Celestino, why do girls have a uterus?
-Shashi
Do not let the other doctors fool you! I am the only doctor you should trust! You know why? Because I'm the doctor of The Truth(c), not to confused with those fools who advertise about the adverse effects of smoking. I mean smoking's bad, but y'ain't gonna convert no one by being jackasses and piling up fake dead bodies in the streets. People don't listen to lunatics!
Anyway, you all know the common knowledge about uteri.. egg+sperm=baby, baby lives in uterus for a while sucking nutrients out of the mother via umbilical cord, placenta, yada yada yada. I'm here to tell you, this can all be classified under the heading BUNK.
Like my uncle Rabbi Celestino says, "Oy vey! It's a miracle!" And that's exactly what a uterus is -- a miracle portal. When you insert a penis into the birth canal and wiggle it around, lots of icky stuff happens, and a baby is created, or so you thought... what really happens is that you open up the miracle portal so that the Stork, god of baby deliveries, can grant your wish to have a kid. So really, the penis is like the hand that rubs the magic lamp, and the Stork is the genie, and the uterus is the magic lamp, and the baby is the wish, and all that other junk you learned in school about sperm and eggs and junk is.. well, bunk.
But doctor, what's up with impregnating women with turkey basters and in vitro fertilization and stuff like that? Those are simply money making scams that the quacks who call themselves doctors invented to steal your hard earned moolah! They do the same thing everyone else does, tickle the miracle portal and coax a kid from the stork god! Do not be fooled by other doctors! They are quacks and simply want to tickle your miracle portals and steal your money! They're practically prostitutes, who should never be touching your woohaa! in the first place. But you can trust me, I'm a real doctor.
How do we know that Will is not the batman?
-Iris
The thing about secret identities is that they have to be secret. Now as we all know, Will, if he were to be the batman, would rub it in in all our faces. He would probably say things like "I'm leaving... secretly.. yes..." or "I have to go fight crime right now, but I shall return.. for the glory of Poland!" or "I'm the batman!"
So until he displays signs of this type, do not worry, white boy Will is not the Dark Knight.
Also, do not be fooled by the batman "pajamas" he wears. Just because they're made of "water resistent plastic", does not mean they're for fighting crime, but for fighting his persistent bed wetting habit.
Well, that's all the questions I have time for. I am the fastest urologist in all the land, ya know. Tune in next time when I answer more of your awesome questions, no matter how fast they come!
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 410/03/05 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
October 3rd, 2005 - Hi everybody, Dr. Celestino here! Long time no see, aint' it? For those who don't know, I'm the world's foremost authority on podiatry, and I'm ready to walk you thru any questions you guys can shoe out. So let's get this column 'kick' started! ... Too 'corn'-y? Well too bad, 'cause we're off and running! I can go toe to toe with any query you got! Sock it to me! Haha.. more like put a sock in it, eh?
Why the fuck do you look just as good in your girlfriend's pants as she does?
-Shashi
Hmm.. a personal question, but a question nonetheless. In case you don't know what the question is refering to, check out
this pic and
this pic.
Well, you see, I was raised as a girl by my parents. In fact, when they would take me out in my stroller, onlookers would say "Aww, what a cute girl you have!" and my parents would simply say "Why yes! She is adorable, thank you!" So, to answer your question, I have my awesome parents, Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Celestino, to thank for providing me with the milkshake that I needed to be better than yours.
Damn right, it's better than yours.
So I wonder why fudge is always square? Why no circles?
- Diannna
This answer is simple logistics (note to self: look up the definition of logistics). You see, fudge is made in a rectangular pan. Now, try cutting it into circles without having those weird star shaped things left over. By using squares, you don't have these annoying left overs. Plus, imagine a whole bunch of fudge circles stacked on top of each other. If you're like me, you'll think it looks like poo. No one wants to eat poo, now do they?
Would giant squid taste good?
- Jialu
A giant squid would taste the same as regular squid, except it would taste bigger.
BTW, they caught live pictures of a giant squid in Japan or some place like that.
And now, an update on
Nina's question from the
last column about where babies come from. After tons of hours in the public library, I've decerned that sexual intercourse may or may not play a role in the process of baby making. Being the brave and daring researcher that I am, I will now offer myself to science to help find the answer to this baby production conundrum. However, if you are also brave and daring, and female, you too can offer yourself to my scientific endeavors!
So, if you are a good-looking Asian girl with breasts and a vagina, sideways or any other orientation, shoot me an email with a picture as well as measurements, and we can experiment in sexual intercourse and see what we produce! Ah... I love the scientific method... backwards-riding cowgirl method ain't so bad either...
Oh, and also, try not to let the Official Girlfriend of Dr. Celestino know about this "experiment". Because she just hates science, and she would ruin the experiment if she found out I was experimenting with other women.
Why don't guys share beds and girls do?
-Annie
I didn't know the answer to this, so I conducted research by sleeping with as many men as I could. The results will astound you!!!
Haha, no, I'm kidding, I did not actually go out and sleep with men to furthur science. However, I have watched several videos of girls sleeping with other girls, but that was well before you sent this question in.
Um.. yeah, so guys don't sleep with guys? That's not necessarily true. The host of this site, Will has been quoted to have said "I've slept with all my friends!" Will (we assume) is a guy, his group of friends contains guys, thus, guys can indeed sleep with guys.
It's mostly fear of catching the dreaded homogay that prevents guys from sharing a bed. I personally will learn to sleep standing up than share a bed with a fellow penis weilder, but that's just because when I sleep, I tend to have a habit of cuddling, spooning, or dry humping anything within arms reach. I don't sleep next to men so that I don't wake up with my hand up someone else's hairy ass.
I assume other reasons that guys don't sleep with guys are similar to this. When we sleep, guys can do weird stuff. Or have nocturnal emissions. So really, guy/guy bed sharing is very much doable, but the risk of penis/penis contact is always a constant threat.
And girls can sleep with other girls because that's SO hot.
And on a very side note, if a monkey can do it, you can too. Smoke! I mean.. don't! Quit!
Well, I'm pooped. More Dr. C coming at ya soon, but I need more questions! So ask away, no matter what the question is. Remember: there are no dumb questions, but I've got plenty of dumb answers. See ya next time!
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 306/27/05 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
Welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Celestino! For those who don't know, I'm a licensed and practicing dermatologist as well as a part-time private eye, so I've got the skinny on anything and everything. Get it? Skinny? Wow, that was the "dermis" pun I've ever heard! Get it? It kinda sounds like dumbest? Yeah? Okay, fine, I'll stop, yeesh..
Why do guys like to pull up their boxers from their jeans and then strut?
-Annie
I can't answer for every man, but I will tell you, Annie, my dark secret, just because you gained an amazing 4 points today for asking such groin-grabbingly good questions. The secret reason I pull up my boxers from my jeans and then strut is rather simple. I pull my boxers up to prove that I'm still wearing boxers. I then strut to prove to the rest of the world that I am in fact wearing boxers. You see, as a young child, the other children at school would tease me for not wearing underwear under my jeans. They would call me horrible names like 'Commando Cunt' or 'Ew the tip of your penis is sticking out of your pants'. I was so emotionally scarred that I began not only to wear boxers, but to wear them proudly, for all the world to see. So there you have it Annie, a little slice of the emotional pie that is my life.
Where do babies come from?
-Nina
Nina actually gave me this question for the last article, but I had to do extensive research, 4 months work in fact, to find out. So here are my results, which I'm unveiling as a Will and Beyond exclusive!
Being the inquisitive scientist that I am, I used myself as a test subject. After careful examination and testing which lasted over 3 and a half months, I determined with a 99.8 percent confidence interval that I am a male, and that I have sperm contained within my genital ball sack.
For the next 2 weeks straight, 24/7, I began to collect samples of this life-creating sperm. Lots of it. Like, my mother is complaining about the fridge being full of thousands of vials of it. Gawd, she gets on my nerves. She's like "Dammit Jed, get a job, stop jerking off for once in your life!", and I'm like "Quiet please, mother! I'm conducting important research! Oh yeah! Shake dat ass! ... No! Not you mother! I'm talking to the research videos I downloaded on KaZaA!" OMFG, you know what I mean!?? Mothers...
Unfortunately, 4 months of investigation has only left me with more questions than answers. For those keeping count, that would be questions:one, answers:zero.
I shall update you on the progress of this ongoing investigation the next time I update.
What's the best escape plan when you're stuck at work for 4 more hours, realize you just got your period, your jeans are obviously bloody, and you have no change of clothes?
-Annie
First off, if you really had this experience, I'd like to say don't worry about it, you're not the only one. This happens to lots of people, but I found the perfect solution to your problem.
Believe it or not, this actually happened to me once while working the night shift at A&P. I was sleeping on the conveyor belt as usual, when a customer walked up to me, shook me awake and said, "Geeze, you look like hell!" I rubbed my eyes, sat up, and realized, oh my gosh, my anus is bleeding! Apparently I had a really bad dream or something, and there was blood all throughout my crotch regions. Anyway, you know what I did? I stood up, and screamed at the top of my lungs "RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The customer freaked! He ran the hell away to the parking lot, and when my coworkers came, I pointed at my pants and then at the customer running. My coworkers, who at the time, were a bunch of big black men and two mexicans, caught the customer, and beat him like a pinata until the cops came. A police report was filed, my coworkers backed up my story, I was allowed to leave work early, and everything was okay with my boss afterwards. In fact, since the boss felt sorry for my rape, I received pay and a half for that night's work.
So, in conclusion, the best escape plan for a period that you can't plug up is to accuse a male you work with or who is in the nearby vicinity of dry anal or vaginal rape. Gets 'em everytime, and that's the Dr. Celestino promise.
Why do Indians smell like curry?
-Shashi
Ever hear the saying "You are what you eat?" Well, all Indians are curry. Bonus historical fact: that is why the pilgrims began hunting the Indians and removing them from their lands. The newly founded colonies were planning to farm the Indians in things they named "reservations" in order to convert ripe Indians into curry. See? You got a history lesson with your answer, now isn't that nice?
Why is it impossible to lick your own nipple?
-Yan
If you're asking about me personally, then it's because Will's already called dibs on my nipples for the next 6 months. I've got a long wait list surprisingly enough. You can rent out my nipples for $100 a month, but certain restrictions apply. Email me for details.
If you're asking in general, then it's because humans evolved this way so that they wouldn't steal their own milk from their babies. Little known fact, there were actually two types of homo sapiens up until the days of Mesopotamia, the ones who could suck their own nips because of incredibly long tongues, and the one's incapable of such a feat for lack of such a tongue. The ones who could suck their own teat soon became addicted to their own breast milk, and would in fact completely neglect the child, leading to malnourishment, improper brain development and growth abnormalities. If they survived into maturity, the child would be horribly deformed and disfigured, and usually die sad, lonely, and without offspring. The continual practice of 'self-suckling' eventually led to the weeding out of the notorious 'autonipplelickus tongue elongation' gene.
It is said that a few of the genes have sneaked their way into the gene pool to present day. Some even suggest that certain Polish men still retain the ability and use it to gross out their peers, and perhaps even use it to lick themselves or their friends. Other more radical scientists say that these men of gifted tongues have remained in the gene pool because of their ability to pierce coconuts and drink the coconut milk inside while the fruit remains in the tree.
On a completely unrelated note, did you know that Will's tongue is at least 3 feet long? He proved it to me by placing an entire Fruit by the Foot roll in his mouth, and then unraveling it in its entirety using only his tongue.
On a related note, I freakin' love Fruit by the Foot.
If World War III broke out in Beck's room, which weapon would be best to have in my possession?
-Iris
Surprisingly, you have the best weapon in the room already in your possession as soon as you walk into the room. If war is declared in the room, as quick as you can, get naked! This sounds like the worst idea ever, since you won't even be wearing protective armor, but you have to look at the facts and probabilities. When a war is initially declared, the warring parties are usually quite eager to engage in warlike activities. However, you can stun your opponents off the bat with your startlingly naked body, a most unwarlike and baffling weapon, allowing you to make the first strike.
If you are a girl in this room (especially if you are the lone girl in the room), and everyone else is ready to kill everyone else, you will accomplish one or more of the following:
A) distract the men long enough to lunge for your weapon of choice
B) distract the women as they try to compare your body with their own self-image
C) force the men to fight with an embarrassing erection (I suggest the battle axe for disarming their "man weapons" if this occurs)
D) cause everyone to think you're batshit insane, and not want to fight you out of fear or pity
If you are a man, you will accomplish one or more of the following:
A) blind the men with your freakishly naked body
B) make the women undergo uncontrollable fits of laughter and hysteria at the site of your pathetically puny penis
C) make everyone vomit
D) cause everyone to think you're into S&M or some weird shit like that, convincing them that fighting you would only result in your pleasure
Of course, this strategy will very much backfire if Beck is in the room at the time. Should you make the strategic mistake of disrobing in the presence of Beck, you should prepare for dry anal or vaginal rape. I suggest clenching your birth canal and anal sphincter as tightly as you can, or perhaps carefully placing bear traps or proximity mines inside your abdominal cavities prior to entering a Beck occupied room.
Good luck, soldier.
Sorry, but I'm all out of wisdom for today! You guys gave me a lot of material to deal with, and we all learned something new, so keep up the good work and keep the questions coming! Also, consider volunteering for your local DARE program. Because Dry Anal Rape Education is the most important of life's lessons.
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 202/18/05 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
Welcome to Ask Dr. Celestino! Here, unsolved mysteries are solved, riddles of the world are cracked, and unexplained phenomena are explained.
To have your questions answered, send them to me at doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com
Hey everyone! Dr. Celestino is back for yet another round of questions to answer. And I'm in New Jersey right now, so it's not like I have anything better to do. As a licensed proctologist, I know how to answer any sort of questions you people manage to pull out of your asses, so keep the questions coming! Anyway, let's get this started with a rather disappointing question.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
-Nina
Geeze, have you not watched TV ever as a kid? It's three dammit! Listen to the damn owl! Frankly, I'm disappointed in Nina and I request of all my readers that you heckle her for a week straight. How many times do I have to tell you people, stop sending questions that have already been answered by an animated TV owl! Okay.. now onto some serious questions.
How come the world spins east to west and not the other way around?
-Dianna
This is a question that has eluded an answer since people realized the Earth is actually helio-centric. However, based on my latest research, I can with 10,000% confidence say that the Earth spins the way it does because of one thing: a Hindu god. Remember that Simpsons episode where for some reason the camera pans thru the Earth, and in the middle there's like some many armed guy pulling levers and junk? Yeah, well I dug all the way to the center of the Earth (I have lots of free time in New Jersey) to ask him what's up with that. He said that he chose East to West based on flipping two coins to see which cardinal direction to rotate the Earth. Apparently they landed both heads, so east to west it was. Also, the Hindu god has the power to rotate the Earth backwards if he wants. In fact he does this every year, and that's why Daylight Savings Time exists. So, remember to pray to your local Hindu gods, or else they might get angry and start spinning the world south to north or something weird.
Where did white people come from?
-Yan
Why does Will not like tofu?
-Jialu
Oddly enough, these questions are related. You see, in the beginning of the evolution from monkey to man, the earliest proto-humans were white or black or yellow or some color in between. Most white people however, never survived because they'd bake in the sun and then get skin cancer and die. The slightly smarter ones went to hide in caves. When the other colored humans discovered tofu, they saw it's whiteness and only thought of skin cancer and death, and believed it to be poison. So they used it as weapon against white people, because the white people stole all the good caves from the colored people. The colored people cooked it into their dishes, saying that it was yummy when in fact, it tasted like dead white people. The colored people then sent their tofu dishes into the caves to try and destroy the white people, but no one can be fooled by a piece of tofu, and the white people to this day fear tofu as the weapon of the colored people.
So basically, to answer your questions, 1) White people came from monkeys just like all other humans, and 2) white boy Will does not like tofu because he is a racist who hates colored people.
Which hurts most to get beaten with, a roll of newspaper, a 2x4, an
aluminum baseball bat, or Yan's face? Can you rank these in order of
painfulness?
-Mike Shin
I honestly did not know the answer to this question, so I did an experiment instead. I figured if I set all these objects against each other in a rocks/paper/scissors type fashion, I could find out which is the superior object. So, I designed an experiment where I would launch two objects at each other at the same time at the same speed, and see which one received more damage afterwards.
The least painful of all is the roll of newspaper, which exploded when launched at the incoming 2x4 as well as the aluminum bat. When thrown at Yan's face, Yan simply ate the newspaper.
The aluminum bat is in fact the most painful of all. When launched at the 2x4, the 2x4 broke in half. When launched at Yan's face, the aluminum bat cracked his skull open.
Having no more 2x4s or Yan's faces to test after the aluminum bat broke them both, I can not conclude on which of the 2 is more painful.
So readers, I have a request of you all. Go out and find a 2x4 (try Home Depot on 23rd St.) and a spare Yan w/ face lying around, and then throw the 2x4 at Yan's face while Yan is moving towards you at the same velocity as the thrown 2x4. Then record the results, preferably on video tape. Let's see those video submissions (send them to willandbeyond@gmail.com) and then we'll finally see if Yan or a 2x4 is more painful!
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Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 101/03/05 @ 12:00PM EST
posted by jedcelestino
Welcome to Ask Dr. Celestino! Here, unsolved mysteries are solved, riddles of the world are cracked, and unexplained phenomena are explained.
To have your questions answered, send them to me at doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com
Hello and welcome to my first ever column! I'm Dr. Celestino, and this is my groin-grabbingly awesome advice/answer column! If you're wondering just who the heck I am, I'm a certified and licensed doctor of gynecology. So if you've got questions about your hoohaha, shoot them right over to me. However, I also know everything about everything else, so feel free to ask questions or for advice on any other topic you can think of! Anyways, let's get this started up with an easy question.
What's black and white and red all over?
- Dianna
Well, let's see.. there are a few answers I can give off the top of my head:
a blood-stained chess board
a sunburnt penguin
a Native American nun
black and white panties during "that time" of the month
Michael Jackson caught red handed with a 6 year old boy
... but the correct answer is a newspaper.
How do they calculate the amount of calories burned on treadmills?
- Yan
Ha! Trick question! Good try though, Yannie-boy. Trying to outsmart the good doctor I see. Well, the truth is, you can't actually burn calories on a treadmill. In fact, studies have proven that the only exercises that burn calories are Dance Dance Revolution and sexual intercourse, both of which I suggest you do in the privacy of your own home so that you don't look like an idiot in public.
What is fate and is there really any of it in this world?
- Jailu
Hey, ever notice that 'fate' has the words 'fat' and 'ate' in it? Err.. anyway, fate is the stuff that happens because it has to happen, or else the world crashes and then god would have to reboot our stupid planet. It's why good triumphs over evil, and the sun always rises, and why there will always be porn on the internet.
Why does sea water taste salty?
- Yan
Well let me answer your question with a question. Have you ever tasted your own or a close friend's urine? Of course! Everyone has, and so everyone knows that urine is salty. So there you have it. It's because the sea is filled with fishes and whales and turtles and mermaids and crabs, and they all pee! It's very simple if you think about it hard enough. So next time you go to the beach, remember: every time you jump into the ocean, you're swimming around in fish piss.
It should be noted that if you ever go to the beach and it smells like coconuts, you can blame Will for peeing in the water.
That's all for now, but keep those questions coming and Dr. Celestino will be there to destroy those questions with my answers of fury and justice!
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