Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 1

Welcome to Ask Dr. Celestino! Here, unsolved mysteries are solved, riddles of the world are cracked, and unexplained phenomena are explained.
To have your questions answered, send them to me at doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com

Hello and welcome to my first ever column! I'm Dr. Celestino, and this is my groin-grabbingly awesome advice/answer column! If you're wondering just who the heck I am, I'm a certified and licensed doctor of gynecology. So if you've got questions about your hoohaha, shoot them right over to me. However, I also know everything about everything else, so feel free to ask questions or for advice on any other topic you can think of! Anyways, let's get this started up with an easy question.

What's black and white and red all over?
- Dianna

Well, let's see.. there are a few answers I can give off the top of my head:
a blood-stained chess board
a sunburnt penguin
a Native American nun
black and white panties during "that time" of the month
Michael Jackson caught red handed with a 6 year old boy
... but the correct answer is a newspaper.

How do they calculate the amount of calories burned on treadmills?
- Yan

Ha! Trick question! Good try though, Yannie-boy. Trying to outsmart the good doctor I see. Well, the truth is, you can't actually burn calories on a treadmill. In fact, studies have proven that the only exercises that burn calories are Dance Dance Revolution and sexual intercourse, both of which I suggest you do in the privacy of your own home so that you don't look like an idiot in public.

What is fate and is there really any of it in this world?
- Jailu

Hey, ever notice that 'fate' has the words 'fat' and 'ate' in it? Err.. anyway, fate is the stuff that happens because it has to happen, or else the world crashes and then god would have to reboot our stupid planet. It's why good triumphs over evil, and the sun always rises, and why there will always be porn on the internet.

Why does sea water taste salty?
- Yan

Well let me answer your question with a question. Have you ever tasted your own or a close friend's urine? Of course! Everyone has, and so everyone knows that urine is salty. So there you have it. It's because the sea is filled with fishes and whales and turtles and mermaids and crabs, and they all pee! It's very simple if you think about it hard enough. So next time you go to the beach, remember: every time you jump into the ocean, you're swimming around in fish piss.

It should be noted that if you ever go to the beach and it smells like coconuts, you can blame Will for peeing in the water.

That's all for now, but keep those questions coming and Dr. Celestino will be there to destroy those questions with my answers of fury and justice!


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