Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 2

Welcome to Ask Dr. Celestino! Here, unsolved mysteries are solved, riddles of the world are cracked, and unexplained phenomena are explained.
To have your questions answered, send them to me at doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com

Hey everyone! Dr. Celestino is back for yet another round of questions to answer. And I'm in New Jersey right now, so it's not like I have anything better to do. As a licensed proctologist, I know how to answer any sort of questions you people manage to pull out of your asses, so keep the questions coming! Anyway, let's get this started with a rather disappointing question.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
-Nina

Geeze, have you not watched TV ever as a kid? It's three dammit! Listen to the damn owl! Frankly, I'm disappointed in Nina and I request of all my readers that you heckle her for a week straight. How many times do I have to tell you people, stop sending questions that have already been answered by an animated TV owl! Okay.. now onto some serious questions.

How come the world spins east to west and not the other way around?
-Dianna

This is a question that has eluded an answer since people realized the Earth is actually helio-centric. However, based on my latest research, I can with 10,000% confidence say that the Earth spins the way it does because of one thing: a Hindu god. Remember that Simpsons episode where for some reason the camera pans thru the Earth, and in the middle there's like some many armed guy pulling levers and junk? Yeah, well I dug all the way to the center of the Earth (I have lots of free time in New Jersey) to ask him what's up with that. He said that he chose East to West based on flipping two coins to see which cardinal direction to rotate the Earth. Apparently they landed both heads, so east to west it was. Also, the Hindu god has the power to rotate the Earth backwards if he wants. In fact he does this every year, and that's why Daylight Savings Time exists. So, remember to pray to your local Hindu gods, or else they might get angry and start spinning the world south to north or something weird.

Where did white people come from?
-Yan

Why does Will not like tofu?
-Jialu

Oddly enough, these questions are related. You see, in the beginning of the evolution from monkey to man, the earliest proto-humans were white or black or yellow or some color in between. Most white people however, never survived because they'd bake in the sun and then get skin cancer and die. The slightly smarter ones went to hide in caves. When the other colored humans discovered tofu, they saw it's whiteness and only thought of skin cancer and death, and believed it to be poison. So they used it as weapon against white people, because the white people stole all the good caves from the colored people. The colored people cooked it into their dishes, saying that it was yummy when in fact, it tasted like dead white people. The colored people then sent their tofu dishes into the caves to try and destroy the white people, but no one can be fooled by a piece of tofu, and the white people to this day fear tofu as the weapon of the colored people.

So basically, to answer your questions, 1) White people came from monkeys just like all other humans, and 2) white boy Will does not like tofu because he is a racist who hates colored people.

Which hurts most to get beaten with, a roll of newspaper, a 2x4, an aluminum baseball bat, or Yan's face? Can you rank these in order of painfulness?
-Mike Shin

I honestly did not know the answer to this question, so I did an experiment instead. I figured if I set all these objects against each other in a rocks/paper/scissors type fashion, I could find out which is the superior object. So, I designed an experiment where I would launch two objects at each other at the same time at the same speed, and see which one received more damage afterwards.

The least painful of all is the roll of newspaper, which exploded when launched at the incoming 2x4 as well as the aluminum bat. When thrown at Yan's face, Yan simply ate the newspaper.

The aluminum bat is in fact the most painful of all. When launched at the 2x4, the 2x4 broke in half. When launched at Yan's face, the aluminum bat cracked his skull open.

Having no more 2x4s or Yan's faces to test after the aluminum bat broke them both, I can not conclude on which of the 2 is more painful.

So readers, I have a request of you all. Go out and find a 2x4 (try Home Depot on 23rd St.) and a spare Yan w/ face lying around, and then throw the 2x4 at Yan's face while Yan is moving towards you at the same velocity as the thrown 2x4. Then record the results, preferably on video tape. Let's see those video submissions (send them to willandbeyond@gmail.com) and then we'll finally see if Yan or a 2x4 is more painful!


This posted tagged as: ask doctor celestino

Recent posts tagged as ask doctor celestino:

• Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 8
• Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 7
• Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 6

Name:


Website:


Enter a valid email:

(Gravatars and retaggr profiles are supported.)

Receive notification of followup comments?
Yes No

Comment:
(Do not use <a href> tags or your comment will be flagged as spam.)


Reply to main post. (To reply to an individual comment, select it above.)