Why do guys like to pull up their boxers from their jeans and then strut?
-Annie
I can't answer for every man, but I will tell you, Annie, my dark secret, just because you gained an amazing 4 points today for asking such groin-grabbingly good questions. The secret reason I pull up my boxers from my jeans and then strut is rather simple. I pull my boxers up to prove that I'm still wearing boxers. I then strut to prove to the rest of the world that I am in fact wearing boxers. You see, as a young child, the other children at school would tease me for not wearing underwear under my jeans. They would call me horrible names like 'Commando Cunt' or 'Ew the tip of your penis is sticking out of your pants'. I was so emotionally scarred that I began not only to wear boxers, but to wear them proudly, for all the world to see. So there you have it Annie, a little slice of the emotional pie that is my life.
Where do babies come from?
-Nina
Nina actually gave me this question for the last article, but I had to do extensive research, 4 months work in fact, to find out. So here are my results, which I'm unveiling as a Will and Beyond exclusive!
Being the inquisitive scientist that I am, I used myself as a test subject. After careful examination and testing which lasted over 3 and a half months, I determined with a 99.8 percent confidence interval that I am a male, and that I have sperm contained within my genital ball sack.
For the next 2 weeks straight, 24/7, I began to collect samples of this life-creating sperm. Lots of it. Like, my mother is complaining about the fridge being full of thousands of vials of it. Gawd, she gets on my nerves. She's like "Dammit Jed, get a job, stop jerking off for once in your life!", and I'm like "Quiet please, mother! I'm conducting important research! Oh yeah! Shake dat ass! ... No! Not you mother! I'm talking to the research videos I downloaded on KaZaA!" OMFG, you know what I mean!?? Mothers...
Unfortunately, 4 months of investigation has only left me with more questions than answers. For those keeping count, that would be questions:one, answers:zero.
I shall update you on the progress of this ongoing investigation the next time I update.
What's the best escape plan when you're stuck at work for 4 more hours, realize you just got your period, your jeans are obviously bloody, and you have no change of clothes?
-Annie
First off, if you really had this experience, I'd like to say don't worry about it, you're not the only one. This happens to lots of people, but I found the perfect solution to your problem.
Believe it or not, this actually happened to me once while working the night shift at A&P. I was sleeping on the conveyor belt as usual, when a customer walked up to me, shook me awake and said, "Geeze, you look like hell!" I rubbed my eyes, sat up, and realized, oh my gosh, my anus is bleeding! Apparently I had a really bad dream or something, and there was blood all throughout my crotch regions. Anyway, you know what I did? I stood up, and screamed at the top of my lungs "RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The customer freaked! He ran the hell away to the parking lot, and when my coworkers came, I pointed at my pants and then at the customer running. My coworkers, who at the time, were a bunch of big black men and two mexicans, caught the customer, and beat him like a pinata until the cops came. A police report was filed, my coworkers backed up my story, I was allowed to leave work early, and everything was okay with my boss afterwards. In fact, since the boss felt sorry for my rape, I received pay and a half for that night's work.
So, in conclusion, the best escape plan for a period that you can't plug up is to accuse a male you work with or who is in the nearby vicinity of dry anal or vaginal rape. Gets 'em everytime, and that's the Dr. Celestino promise.
Why do Indians smell like curry?
-Shashi
Ever hear the saying "You are what you eat?" Well, all Indians are curry. Bonus historical fact: that is why the pilgrims began hunting the Indians and removing them from their lands. The newly founded colonies were planning to farm the Indians in things they named "reservations" in order to convert ripe Indians into curry. See? You got a history lesson with your answer, now isn't that nice?
Why is it impossible to lick your own nipple?
-Yan
If you're asking about me personally, then it's because Will's already called dibs on my nipples for the next 6 months. I've got a long wait list surprisingly enough. You can rent out my nipples for $100 a month, but certain restrictions apply. Email me for details.
If you're asking in general, then it's because humans evolved this way so that they wouldn't steal their own milk from their babies. Little known fact, there were actually two types of homo sapiens up until the days of Mesopotamia, the ones who could suck their own nips because of incredibly long tongues, and the one's incapable of such a feat for lack of such a tongue. The ones who could suck their own teat soon became addicted to their own breast milk, and would in fact completely neglect the child, leading to malnourishment, improper brain development and growth abnormalities. If they survived into maturity, the child would be horribly deformed and disfigured, and usually die sad, lonely, and without offspring. The continual practice of 'self-suckling' eventually led to the weeding out of the notorious 'autonipplelickus tongue elongation' gene.
It is said that a few of the genes have sneaked their way into the gene pool to present day. Some even suggest that certain Polish men still retain the ability and use it to gross out their peers, and perhaps even use it to lick themselves or their friends. Other more radical scientists say that these men of gifted tongues have remained in the gene pool because of their ability to pierce coconuts and drink the coconut milk inside while the fruit remains in the tree.
On a completely unrelated note, did you know that Will's tongue is at least 3 feet long? He proved it to me by placing an entire Fruit by the Foot roll in his mouth, and then unraveling it in its entirety using only his tongue.
On a related note, I freakin' love Fruit by the Foot.
If World War III broke out in Beck's room, which weapon would be best to have in my possession?
-Iris
Surprisingly, you have the best weapon in the room already in your possession as soon as you walk into the room. If war is declared in the room, as quick as you can, get naked! This sounds like the worst idea ever, since you won't even be wearing protective armor, but you have to look at the facts and probabilities. When a war is initially declared, the warring parties are usually quite eager to engage in warlike activities. However, you can stun your opponents off the bat with your startlingly naked body, a most unwarlike and baffling weapon, allowing you to make the first strike.
If you are a girl in this room (especially if you are the lone girl in the room), and everyone else is ready to kill everyone else, you will accomplish one or more of the following:
A) distract the men long enough to lunge for your weapon of choice
B) distract the women as they try to compare your body with their own self-image
C) force the men to fight with an embarrassing erection (I suggest the battle axe for disarming their "man weapons" if this occurs)
D) cause everyone to think you're batshit insane, and not want to fight you out of fear or pity
If you are a man, you will accomplish one or more of the following:
A) blind the men with your freakishly naked body
B) make the women undergo uncontrollable fits of laughter and hysteria at the site of your pathetically puny penis
C) make everyone vomit
D) cause everyone to think you're into S&M or some weird shit like that, convincing them that fighting you would only result in your pleasure
Of course, this strategy will very much backfire if Beck is in the room at the time. Should you make the strategic mistake of disrobing in the presence of Beck, you should prepare for dry anal or vaginal rape. I suggest clenching your birth canal and anal sphincter as tightly as you can, or perhaps carefully placing bear traps or proximity mines inside your abdominal cavities prior to entering a Beck occupied room.
Good luck, soldier.
Sorry, but I'm all out of wisdom for today! You guys gave me a lot of material to deal with, and we all learned something new, so keep up the good work and keep the questions coming! Also, consider volunteering for your local DARE program. Because Dry Anal Rape Education is the most important of life's lessons.
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