As always, send questions to doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com.
Why did all the dinosaurs die?
- Rick
Because you masturbate.
Well, no, not really; that's why kittens die. The dinosaurs died because they evolved to be enormously fat. They got so fat, that their genitals could not access the genitals of another dinosaur because of all the layers of lard in the way. They could not breed, so they became extinct.
Let that be a warning to all you out there: being fat means you won't be able to find your junk anymore and you'll die lonely and extinct. So lose some weight!
Why does an entry level job require experience, and how are you supposed to get that experience?
- Rick
Ah, yes, the dreaded catch-22 that faces all college grads. Companies want to hire people with experience, but the brand new entrants into the labor force can't get the experience. Or hired. Or... whatever.
The trick to overcoming this seemingly unovercomable hurdle is, like lots of things in life, simple yet degrading: Become a slut. That's right; the path to success is paved with the ejaculatory emissions of your higher ups. That's right, sexual favors are the things careers are made of. But how can I apply this to my situation of newly graduated BS wielder?
I've devised a simple mnemonic to help: SLUT. Sexy Lips, Use Tongue. That is to say, make sure your lips are looking their best and convey the message of "Don't you want me to give you head?", and then use tongue movements which will aid in the mental representation of head being given. Sounds confusing and difficult, but these examples should help.
Let's take the interview, for example. Normally it goes something like this:
Interviewer: Now, despite your lack of experience, do you have any tangible skills?
You: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done!
Interviewer: Well that's swell. But our company is headed in a different direction than your skills, or lack of skills, can be useful for.
Now, let's try the SLUT technique. Say the italicized words with sexy emphasis.
Interviewer: Now, despite your lack of experience, do you have any tangible skills?
You: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done. (Now lick you lips seductively).
Interviewer: (Adjusts tie and clears throat) Well that's swell, but our company, and specifically I, need you to demonstrate some of this gung-ho attitude of yours, if you catch my drift.
(Insert porn here)
So there you have it, a simple yet effective way to get your foot in the door.
Now these techniques are best suited for females with male interviewers, but trust me, it will work for men even on male interviewers! How do you think I convinced Will to let me have this gig?
Will: Do you have any experience that makes you qualified to be the doctor of Will and Beyond?
Dr. C: No, but I can assure you, I will try my hardest to do anything it takes to get the job done. (Now I lick my lips seductively).
Will: (Adjusts tie and clears throat) Well that was gay. Eh, whatever, you're hired, now stop batting your devilishly enticing eyelashes at me.
What does the Easter bunny have to do with Easter?
- Jialu
Being raised a Catholic; I know exactly the origins of the Easter Bunny. Now, the story I'm about to tell is almost as jarring to the Christian faith as that Da Vinci Code thing, so be prepared to be at least moderately shocked.
At the very first mass, Holy Thursday, Jesus broke bread with his apostles and said that the bread was his body and the wine was his blood. The apostles afterwards got really confused, and thought that Jesus meant that after his death, his actual body and blood were to be offered during mass. Gross, eh? So, the Sunday after Jesus was buried, the apostles went to the grave and took out Jesus' body. They preserved him well, and used his actual body and blood during masses. However, the apostles soon realized that they would be running out of Jesus if they kept this up.
Ingeniously, they devised a way to have Jesus’ body and blood live on forever. They fed a newborn bunny some of Jesus’ body and blood until it reached maturity, and then had that rabbit breed, producing many offspring, all of whom the apostles presumed had a little bit of Jesus in them, since they assumed that some of what the mother ate must have passed on to the offspring. So now, there are a bunch of Jesus bunnies running around, and every time they breed, you get more Jesus bunnies, and thus more Jesus blood and body to offer at mass! So instead of eating Jesus directly, masses would have Jesus bunnies' body and blood instead. This practice continued for hundreds and hundreds of years. Then Pope Joey I in 1604 declared that there is probably so little of Jesus left in the bunnies, that instead, they should just say that priests have the power to make regular bread and wine into Jesus' body and blood.
However, some churches felt that this was blasphemy, and started their own version of Christianity where bunnies were revered as holy as Jesus himself. They would continue to eat Jesus bunnies for mass, and they changed their Easter story so that Jesus was not resurrected and ascended into heaven, but instead reincarnated as a bunny: The Easter Bunny.
The leaders of this offshoot church were very wealthy, and would be the ancestors to the owners of the original malls. Thus, as homage to the founders of this bunny-centric Christianity, every Easter week, the Easter Bunny would come to the mall and let you take a picture with him.
So there you have it. Easter Bunny = Jesus. Weird, huh? You know those Christians... they crazy.
Why does facial hair grow so much more while you sleep?
- Will
What the hell does getting an erection while asleep have to do with facial hair growth? Well you see, a man only has so much skin. And if this man gets an erection, his penis grows bigger. When something on your body grows bigger, like say a penis, but the amount of skin you have stays the same, it must be true that your skin is under greater stress. This greater total stress on the skin causes stretching of the skin. This stretching pulls on the pores in your skin, which causes the hair follicles to be opened up by the stretched dermis, and thus allowing the hair to grow with less impedance by the usually cramped and tight pore walls.
To sum it all up, your facial hair grows more when you sleep because you dream about naked women all the time.
As a bonus, I'll let you in on another related yet little known fact. Ever wonder why Asians have less facial hair? Put bluntly, it's because they have smaller penises. Thus, when they achieve erections during the night, their tiny penises can only pull on the skin about 3 inches worth on average. Compare this to the average of 6 inches in caucasians, or the whopping 10 inches of black men (hyper extra bonus fact: or compare it to the 2 inches of black women's clitoris'! So now you know why those old black ladies have those nasty 'staches!). So let it be known, it's not the size of the shoe that matters, but actually the size of the 5 o'clock shadow they grow!
Super hyper extra bonus fact: Unlike other Asians, Filipinos grow facial hair just as fast as the whites do. So... well, you know what I'm getting at. Ladies, try to keep that in mind next time you're faced with the dilemma of having to choose a breed of Asian man to sleep with.
Ultra super hyper extra bonus fact: Dr. Celestino is Filipino... if you know what I'm getting at.
Well, that's all I got for now. Keep the questions coming!
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