Ask Doctor Celestino, Round 8

jedcelestino posted 05/02/07 @ 12:00PM EST

The doctor is back, and ready to answer you queeries. Uh, your queries. Questions. Yeah. I always like to start with a softball question, so let's get this show on the road!

Why does all cologne smell distinctly like over-ripe ass?
- Paul

Where do you think it comes from? You just answered your own question there, kiddo.

Dear Doctor,

Why are life insurance, property and casualty insurance, and worker's compensation so unbelievably sexy and irresistible?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Everyone knows that insurance is sexy. I mean what can you think of that's sexier than protecting yourself from risk?

Let's put it this way. Say you're about to offer a fine looking lady a drink. What do you get her?

A) Cosmopolitan
B) Miller Lite
C) Scotch
D) A Gatorade and a napkin with a contract stating that by drinking the following Gatorade, the fine looking lady agrees to copious amounts of sweaty, freaky, ass-thwompingly hardcore sex, and that said contract provides ample monetary coverage should injury occur during the flagrantly unnecessary amounts of wildly awesome fornication that you will be having with said fine looking lady tonight.

I mean, obviously choice D. Nothing gets them all hot and bothered like the idea of being able to do crazy shit without all the worries of what happens if the crazy shit gets too crazy. Insurance is basically a license to do stupidly insane stuff that you wouldn't normally do otherwise, and stupid insane stuff is sexy. Therefore, insurance is sexy. Right? Right.

P.S. - Feel free to use my plan D as stated above, but make sure to take a video and send it in to the Doctor's mailbox. I also do sexual position appraisal, in my spare time of course.

How much would i have to pay you, exactly, to get you to marry me?
- Mike Shin

Pay me? I don't want your money, just your passion and devotion.

However, my family would like your money. Your dowry should be in excess $100k, and also include a luxury car, and season tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles.

How does gunk get under our fingernails?
- Paul

There's an old wives tale that the gunk under our fingers is actually dead skin cells that we scratch off ourselves. But that's a simplistic, and thus foolish theory.

It's also been suggested that gunk forms when we need to cut our nails. The gunk acts as our body's very own early-warning system for nail length, that you should heed unless you want to be more susceptible to broken nails.

But the real answer is that it forms when the gunk has no other place to grow. That is to say, when you're ears are full of wax, and your teeth full of plaque, and your nose full of snot, and you belly button full of lint, and your nether-regions full of smegma, there's no other place for nasty filth left to hide except under your finger nails.

I find the best way to remove the gunk under your fingers is by showering and using soap at the same time. There's a freebie hygiene protip for ya.

Why do I always feel cold?
- Dianna

I'm going to guess it's because you're cold-blooded, like a reptile or amphibian. A long term solution would be to move to a warmer climate. I hear Southern California is nice, and has plenty of high-tech industry as well. However, in a pinch, you can always sun yourself on a rock, like any self-respecting lizard-creature as yourself would do.

Okay then, great stuff you guys! That's a wrap for now. Keep sending your inquiries, no matter how odd or personal they may be. I'm like a warm hand to the upper scrotum, just turn your head and cough up some questions!

As always, send questions to doctorcelestino@willandbeyond.com.


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