From Labsolutely, in honor of Labor Day:
The windows are dark in the microscopy room,
The pumps are down to one millibar,
I’ll buy you a coffee if you swear
You’ll go the fuck to work.
The reflux went off and the reaction is almost dry,
The oil bath is on and the solid in the flask is black by now,
I know you’re not on your way.
That’s bullshit. Stop lying. Wake up, my darling,
and get your ass in the lab.
The condenser crashed and the lab is flooded,
Safety inspector whistling while looking around,
It’s been thirty-eight minutes already.
Sweet Berzelius, what the fuck? Go to work.
All the undergrads are at the fumehoods,
The postdoc is head-banging the NMR
Hell no, you can’t stop to the supermarket
You know where you can go? The fuck to work
You should go read the whole thing.
Graduate Student Power Tripping After First Nature Publication
After receiving word earlier this morning that the draft of his manuscript submitted to Nature Chemistry was “accepted with minor revisions,” Scripps Research Institute graduate student Caleb Miller has reportedly lapsed into a state of megalomaniacal power tripping. “I got… accepted… in Nature…” sources report Miller stating, initially with slight trepidation and disbelief. “I got into Nature,” he repeated emphatically.
Since initially learning of the success of his latest publication, Miller’s over inflated sense of self worth and rapidly ballooning ego have made working with him nearly impossible. “He’s become insufferable,” stated Sarah Ferguson, a first year graduate student. “I get that being published in Nature is a big deal, but Christ, maybe he could turn it down from eleven?”
“He actually — and I shit you not — demanded that we all refer to him as ‘your highness.’ Who does that?” Ferguson added.
Reports indicate that Miller then attempted to start a chant of his own name in the lab. “MILLER! MILLER! MILLER!” he chanted while loudly and rhythmically clapping his hands, eventually trailing off as lab members looked on with incredulity. “What does he think this is, a football game? added Steven Jackson, PhD., one of the lab’s post-docs. “I’m first author on two Nature papers and one in Science,” he added with slight indignation.
As of press time, Miller had constructed a crown from Parafilm, borosilicate transfer pipettes, and a large crystallization dish, and had re-purposed a large column for use as a scepter.
You really need to be reading C&EN Onion.